Sunday, November 04, 2007

It's Been a Long Time

Wow, I knew it had been awhile since I had blogged, but I didn't realize exactly how long it was since the last post. Honestly, during the whole time, things would happen and I would think to myself that I needed to blog about it, but I think I was suffering from blog burnout...or maybe I just needed a break. I think that sometimes I think this blog is supposed to be about funny little stories and entertaining the friends and family, and while I have enjoyed a lot of sweet things the boys have done, there are a lot of things running so much deeper in my heart right now. For some reason, I haven't felt like I can write what is deep in my heart. After all, most people who read this are wanting to hear stories about the boys, right?

Well, I do want to share the neat things that the boys are up to and how much they are learning about life, but I also want to share my journey journey of becoming a better mom, wife, person and most of all, a better Christian. So, here goes....

Lately, life has been a mixture of really good things and some trials that have really made me grow a lot. I have had many realizations about myself, and I must admit, not all of them have been good ones. I have realized that few people truly know me, and that I tend to not let people get to see the real me. Instead, I show them what I think they need to see, and my husband's profession probably doesn't help with that. Don't get me wrong; I love that Brian is a Youth Minister, but that makes me want to be a good Youth Minister's wife who is everything to everyone. In the past six years, I have learned that is impossible, but for some crazy reason, I keep trying, and that can make life very stressful at times.

I have also realized that I do not have a real big circle of friends. Well, I do have "friends", but I don't have a lot of FRIENDS. Does that make sense? You know, those kind of people who you can totally be yourself with and who won't make fun of you when you are gone or tell someone else that they think you have lost your mind. For the good friends that I do have, I am so thankful because they have liked me in spite of myself. For the others that have tried, I am really sorry to have missed out because I was either so caught up in other things in my life or I was trying once again to be all things to all people that I never just showed them me.

However, what grieves me the most is that in an effort to be what I thought others wanted me to be and to be involved and (if I am honest to myself) way over-committed to "stuff", I sort of lost my way and became very little for God. Now please understand that through that, I truly loved God and wanted to be so much for Him, but I just couldn't seem to see how I was supposed to do that.

What is neat though is that in the past few months, I have started to really SEE God. I have seen Him work through prayer. I have seen Him work through others, and I have even seen Him work through me. And you know what, I love it! I love spending time in prayer with Him. I will admit that I was not always the best at praying in the past, but now, I have found it to be such a refuge for my worries and the things that burden my hearts. It makes me sad for what I missed out on before, but I am so thankful for the gift He gave us through prayer. It has helped me deal with some yucky health issues I have been having. It has helped me not stress so much as a mom. It has drawn me closer to the God that I really do adore, but most of all, it has sort of brought me back to life in a sense.

There have been so many things that I have been doing half-way for awhile now, and while it takes time to correct those, I have started the process of being anything and everything for God. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all happen now, but it takes time. So, I am patiently (well...okay...not so patiently) plugging along and praying that I correctly prioritize the things and areas I need to improve.

So, that is what lies deep in my heart right now, but two special little boys and a very special man are not too far behind. So, let me share some neat things about them too and get you all caught up on us!

1 comment:

erincox said...

Thanks for sharing this. I, and I'm sure others, can relate so well to what you've said about being one way for others but not really feeling that that's the true you. Honestly, I think most people don't let many others see the "real" them, myself included. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit. Glad to see you're back in the blog world and that the boys are still crazy as ever. :-)